Mid Year Resolutions

I like lists. Especially to-do lists. Like, a lot. There's just something so satisfying with creating a list of things I need/want to do and then crossing them off. It's very satisfying. A few months ago I made New Years Resolutions (like a million [billion??] other people). A few months later I held myself accountable for them. Now that we're officially half way through the year I want to check in again to measure my progress and also add a few more to the list.

So, here are the resolutions that I had:

Resolutions
1. Join a library/read more   I joined a library in January or February and I've been pretty good about regularly going and checking out books. But honestly, you can never read too much.  So maybe I can modify this resolution with a new one: Read at least 2 new books a month. 

2. Lose weight: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. So, you know what, I still suck at this one. I have hit a plateau of all plateaus :( BUT! I've recently fired myself up about changing that :) I stumbled upon a Tumblr account that really fired me up. Check out Before and Afters  for some great healthy motivation. This week I've hit the gym every day, I've cut out drinking (I know!!!) and I'm trying to watch what I eat. So maybe a few new goals?? Hit 135 lbs by the end of the year and be able to bench press 70 lbs (twice what I can do now).

3. Run more/run 10k in less than an hour: This week I've been really good about running but I haven't worked up to a 10k yet. So new goal: Run a 10k in under an hour by the end of the year. 

4. Pay off debt: As you may remember I paid off one of my college loans at the beginning of this month. But of course, nothing good can stay for long and I've been hit with new bull shit at every possible moment. I want so badly to save money and every time I come close I keep getting the rug pulled out from under me. Trying to save money, oh PS you need major dental work. Oh, you finally got all your dental work done and you almost paid it off? PS your car battery is dead. Ok, so you spent the last little bit of money you had for a car battery and you're ALMOST to pay day? Fuck you, you have a slow leak in one of your tires. YEP. I had to spend $20 bucks on a tire pump.  Now I get to fill my tire until pay day so I can hopefully get it patched because Lord knows I don't have enough for a new tire. I'm just so tired of it all. I don't mean to get all depressing but I could really use a break. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in and I'm just getting the worst cold feet ever. I've lived with someone before and it ended so badly and I'm just so scared. This blog is like a memorial to all of the bad decisions I've made in life and what if this is just another one? But I can't live alone because my lovely apartment complex raised the rent from $605 to $667 and I just can't afford that. I'm hoping that this all is just due to a really intense case of PMS and that I'll start to feel better soon. Oh, and one more PS; even though I just got all of that dental work done my back tooth is killing me and I think I might have a cavity.  It never fucking ends.   This blog I follow Thrifty Decor Chick has made a lot of really inspiring posts about paying off $125,000 and I'm just hoping to be able to do something similar. That is, if life can just stop using me a human punching bag. 

5. Second job: Yikes, sorry about that little dip into despair above. The sadness and frustration is strong within me. Even though my schedule sucks I've been able to pick up shifts at my second job when I really needed them and today I start babysitting for my friend. I really hope that it turns into something regular because she's willing to pay me $10 bucks an hour!! It may not be much but every little bit helps. 

6. Date up:  So, I've mentioned before I really care for my boyfriend. He's wayyyyy better then every other dude I've dated. For the most part he's got his life together. But sometimes I hate him ?? Is this normal??? Now, I'm PMSing so bad right now I could cry, retain all the water in the oceans, and punch an old lady so maybe this is just hormones talking. Or maybe this is how all relationships are? Is it normal to go back and forth between wanting to marry someone and wanting to never see them again? I have a really bad case of fear of commitment. REALLY BAD. Relationships scare the bejesus out of me which is probably why I'm so bad in them and they never really last. I'm very good and treating nice guys poorly and pushing them away. I want so badly to stop and I'm trying to hard but I just wonder if my efforts are futile. Honestly, with my behavior I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in a committed relationship with me. I can be a real jerk :(

7. Take myself on dates. Lol, no. Not really. I can't afford to get my hair cut let alone take myself on "dates" but I'm still crossing it off because I always try to make "me" time. I like "me" time. I think being alone is really fun honestly. I'd rather be at home with a nice drink and a Netflix queue filled with great movies then out at a club. 

8. Craft more:  I've made attempts at crafting more but I'm really not where I want to be at due to having no money. All I can do is hope for more cash/inspiration in the future to craft on a super tight budget. 


Updated 2012 Resolutions
1. Read at least 2 new books a month
2. Weigh 135 lbs (only a 12 lb weight loss)
3. Bench 70 lbs (2x what I can do now)
4. Refinance my piece of shit Wells Fargo loans to a 10 year plan
5. Stop being such a piece of shit jerk 
6. Craft more

Staying Afloat

I have just really sucked at blogging lately. Sorry about that. I guess it's because I just haven't really had much to post. I wanted this blog to be about saving money and DIY-ing shit and I've been TERRIBLE at both of those things. I'm so broke I can't even DIY :(

Things got a little better in the last week or so. I went for my final dentist appointment and got my teeth all squeaky clean. Most of that went on my credit card but there was really nothing I could do about that. I had to make sure I had enough for my loan payment so everything else had to be charged.  My credit card got up to around $600 bucks but I managed to pay it down to $250. So things are going great, I make it to pay day, put money in my savings and blah blah blah everything appears fine. So, of course it's not. Out of the blue after work one day I go out to my car to drive home and it's dead. Ain't that something? There is really no better way to describe my life then thinking that everything is going to be okay and finding my car dead.
And I don't mean that in a bad way (if that makes any sense). At this point it's just sort of darkly funny. I just remember sitting in my car and desperately turning my key over and over and finally just sitting back and looking up and thinking, "okay, what now".

The little bit of cushion money that I had saved to help me make it to my next pay day went directly to my new car battery (which they only had 1 in stock and it was the most expensive one...of course). Now I sit in waiting for this Friday when I get paid from my second job. Until then I'm hanging on with $21 bucks in my account. But life is still good. I went grocery shopping before my battery crapped out so I have food and my amazing boyfriend bought me gas (and some clothes!!! Seriously, this guy is beyond perfect/wonderful/amazing).

But even in all of this mess I'm still so happy. While it may not be permanent I've been getting more regular shifts at my job and my boyfriend and I have decided to move in with each other in a few months. I'm also going to start babysitting for a friend weekly which not only means extra cash but time spent with my friend and her awesome son. Nothing's okay and everything's okay (if that makes any sense). I'm broker than I have ever been in my life and yet I'm happier. Being forced to distance my self from my consumerist ways has made me so much happier than I thought was possible. Before all of this loan non-sense I just bought, bought, bought without any sense of what I truly needed. Now I'm happy when I can afford more than the basics. I'm broke but I'm lucky which is more than I deserve :)

I swear I have plans to get this blog back to what I wanted it to be. When my credit card is paid off and my boyfriend and I shack up together I will buy a sewing machine and start more DIY. Until then I have my fingers crossed that all of my bills get paid :)

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Positive Changes

Things are going much, much, much better :) My boyfriend and I had an amazing talk and we're on a good path again, I've come to terms with my current crazy schedule, and I'm making more of an effort to see friends.

I haven't really shared much about my work for a few reasons. This is the internet and frankly, while I put a lot of stuff on this blog, I really don't want anyone knowing who I am. I like my privacy. But I can share what is bringing me down. I work in a 24 hour unit. The schedule that I was hired for is evenings but recently (as in the last 6 months) we've had a major shortage and I've been switching back and forth from evenings to overnights. Overnights aren't that bad really but when you switch back and forth it can be a killer on your mood/psyche. Also, there is no set schedule. Sometimes the schedule is only released a week at a time and there's even been a few times I've only been informed of my shifts the night before they start. It's been rough to deal with and I know that it's caused me to become depressed which has negatively affected my relationships with my friends and boyfriend.

BUT there is hope. While I've been applying for other jobs there are two lead positions open at my work. One is for the graveyard shift. I know no one really wants that one and I think I might go for it. It would mean more money, a set schedule, and it would look amazing on my resume. While it is sort of shitty to use a promotion at your job to get another, different job my work place has been incredibly shitty to me and my sleep pattern. So suck it work.

BUT OMG THERE IS OTHER BETTER NEWS.
Today I (or my mother but whatever, you don't know me) made the last payment on my loan from UT. It's alllllll gone!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! Sorry.

I can't believe it's gone and in only 5 years! I'm so freaking happy :) This plus my raise at work PLUS other things being payed off means that in a few months I can (hopefully) refinance my awful Wells Fargo loan in a few months.

I guess the thing that I've learned in these last few months is that things can always be worse and they can always be better. That's just life. No one has it easy. Take this guy. Student loans ruined this guys life. He doesn't have a home because he wanted to get a job in a field he was passionate about. That's crazy. That's unfair. I have it rough but I have a support system.

I'm hoping that the future gets better. My boyfriend and I are thinking about moving in together which is not only awesome because more time with my boo but I would be saving a bundle. Plus, I really want to be able to do sweet stuff for my man. He does so much for me and he takes care of me and because I'm always broke I feel like I owe him so much. I know he doesn't care but I do. At least if we lived together I would be able to cook and clean and organize to "pull my weight". Those are things that I enjoy and are free :) Honestly, I'm super excited because I'd be able to pay more on my student loan PLUS buy a sewing machine. Yeah, I live the crazy life.