Mid Year Resolutions

I like lists. Especially to-do lists. Like, a lot. There's just something so satisfying with creating a list of things I need/want to do and then crossing them off. It's very satisfying. A few months ago I made New Years Resolutions (like a million [billion??] other people). A few months later I held myself accountable for them. Now that we're officially half way through the year I want to check in again to measure my progress and also add a few more to the list.

So, here are the resolutions that I had:

Resolutions
1. Join a library/read more   I joined a library in January or February and I've been pretty good about regularly going and checking out books. But honestly, you can never read too much.  So maybe I can modify this resolution with a new one: Read at least 2 new books a month. 

2. Lose weight: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. So, you know what, I still suck at this one. I have hit a plateau of all plateaus :( BUT! I've recently fired myself up about changing that :) I stumbled upon a Tumblr account that really fired me up. Check out Before and Afters  for some great healthy motivation. This week I've hit the gym every day, I've cut out drinking (I know!!!) and I'm trying to watch what I eat. So maybe a few new goals?? Hit 135 lbs by the end of the year and be able to bench press 70 lbs (twice what I can do now).

3. Run more/run 10k in less than an hour: This week I've been really good about running but I haven't worked up to a 10k yet. So new goal: Run a 10k in under an hour by the end of the year. 

4. Pay off debt: As you may remember I paid off one of my college loans at the beginning of this month. But of course, nothing good can stay for long and I've been hit with new bull shit at every possible moment. I want so badly to save money and every time I come close I keep getting the rug pulled out from under me. Trying to save money, oh PS you need major dental work. Oh, you finally got all your dental work done and you almost paid it off? PS your car battery is dead. Ok, so you spent the last little bit of money you had for a car battery and you're ALMOST to pay day? Fuck you, you have a slow leak in one of your tires. YEP. I had to spend $20 bucks on a tire pump.  Now I get to fill my tire until pay day so I can hopefully get it patched because Lord knows I don't have enough for a new tire. I'm just so tired of it all. I don't mean to get all depressing but I could really use a break. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in and I'm just getting the worst cold feet ever. I've lived with someone before and it ended so badly and I'm just so scared. This blog is like a memorial to all of the bad decisions I've made in life and what if this is just another one? But I can't live alone because my lovely apartment complex raised the rent from $605 to $667 and I just can't afford that. I'm hoping that this all is just due to a really intense case of PMS and that I'll start to feel better soon. Oh, and one more PS; even though I just got all of that dental work done my back tooth is killing me and I think I might have a cavity.  It never fucking ends.   This blog I follow Thrifty Decor Chick has made a lot of really inspiring posts about paying off $125,000 and I'm just hoping to be able to do something similar. That is, if life can just stop using me a human punching bag. 

5. Second job: Yikes, sorry about that little dip into despair above. The sadness and frustration is strong within me. Even though my schedule sucks I've been able to pick up shifts at my second job when I really needed them and today I start babysitting for my friend. I really hope that it turns into something regular because she's willing to pay me $10 bucks an hour!! It may not be much but every little bit helps. 

6. Date up:  So, I've mentioned before I really care for my boyfriend. He's wayyyyy better then every other dude I've dated. For the most part he's got his life together. But sometimes I hate him ?? Is this normal??? Now, I'm PMSing so bad right now I could cry, retain all the water in the oceans, and punch an old lady so maybe this is just hormones talking. Or maybe this is how all relationships are? Is it normal to go back and forth between wanting to marry someone and wanting to never see them again? I have a really bad case of fear of commitment. REALLY BAD. Relationships scare the bejesus out of me which is probably why I'm so bad in them and they never really last. I'm very good and treating nice guys poorly and pushing them away. I want so badly to stop and I'm trying to hard but I just wonder if my efforts are futile. Honestly, with my behavior I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in a committed relationship with me. I can be a real jerk :(

7. Take myself on dates. Lol, no. Not really. I can't afford to get my hair cut let alone take myself on "dates" but I'm still crossing it off because I always try to make "me" time. I like "me" time. I think being alone is really fun honestly. I'd rather be at home with a nice drink and a Netflix queue filled with great movies then out at a club. 

8. Craft more:  I've made attempts at crafting more but I'm really not where I want to be at due to having no money. All I can do is hope for more cash/inspiration in the future to craft on a super tight budget. 


Updated 2012 Resolutions
1. Read at least 2 new books a month
2. Weigh 135 lbs (only a 12 lb weight loss)
3. Bench 70 lbs (2x what I can do now)
4. Refinance my piece of shit Wells Fargo loans to a 10 year plan
5. Stop being such a piece of shit jerk 
6. Craft more

What I'm Thankful For

So I've realized that often times I sound incredibly ungrateful on this blog. Despite my best efforts I can easily slip into a "woe is me" pity party. SO, because I don't want to be that kind of person I've decided to compile a list of things that I am thankful for. Perhaps I should have done this on Thanksgiving but Christmas day is a good enough time to take a second and appreciate how lucky I really am (even if I'm broke as a joke!).

What I am Thankful for:

1. My family (especially my Mom). There's a MILLION reasons I'm so thankful for my family. I doubt I could list them all if I tried. My family loves me, they support me, and I have zero doubt that they would do anything for me. While I grew up poor, I grew up loved which is so much more important. In my line of work I see what can happen to women who grow up thinking that they don't deserve a certain level of love. While I may be single and broke this holiday season I'm in this position because I was able to get an education and because I knew I deserved a higher level of respect and love from a boyfriend than what I was receiving. If that's not a blessing in disguise I don't know what is.

2. That my "poor/broke" is first world level "poor/broke". Yes, I'm broke but I'm not third-world-I'm-about-to-die-of-malnutrition-broke. I may struggle to make ends meet but I have a home. I have access to a heater on these sort of cold Texas nights. I have food. I have a TV for Christ's sake! I'm so blessed even in my broke state.

3. My Job. I love my job. Seriously. I love my co workers, I love what I do, I love the fact that I have job security and I don't pay a single cent for health care. That's amazing. I'm proud of what I do and not many people can say that.

4. My Friends. I could almost copy and paste what I wrote for my family and stick it here. I have the best friends in the world. When I was going through a really rough home life with an ex they gave me a place to stay. They took care of my dog. They send supportive texts and emails when I'm sad and despite the fact that we all lead such busy lives we all make time at least once a week to see each other. I trust them and I have a hard time trusting ANYONE. They've seen me through highs and lows and I love them like they were my family.

5. Booze. C'mon. It's awesome. Also, I have no addiction to it which is pretty rad. I've cut WAY back due to my cough and the fact that I don't want to get pulled over on "No refusal weekend". I've seen the way that alcohol addiction can destroy lives and I'm thankful that I can enjoy booze but I'm not a slave to it. Heck, the other weekend I was the designated driver, Go me!!

6. That nothing REALLY unfair and shitty has happened to me (*knock on wood*). Lots of unfair and shitty things happen every day. Some poor girl got her hand sliced off and may lose her eye because she walked into an airplanes propeller. She did so because she turned around too quickly because she wanted to thank the pilot. That fucking sucks. It came out this year that Penn State was perfectly aware that Sandusky was molesting children and they didn't do shit about it. Imagine if you were that child. You're getting raped in a shower and an adult walks in and you think that you're saved and that grown man just turns around and leaves. That's beyond shitty, that's inhuman. While I believe my loan re-payment is completely unfair it's not even CLOSE to how sad and unfair life can be sometimes.

While this list doesn't even come close to giving thanks to how amazing my life is it's definitely nice to see in black and white how truly lucky and blessed I am. I have a car so I can easily get to work, I can vote, I have enough extra money so I can live in a safe area, I have enough extra money to get beers with friends. Life is amazing and if my only complaint is that my student loans are bananas then I am beyond blessed.

Get ready: coming soon, my New Years Resolution and What Rocked Me the Most in 2011. Gotta love end of year lists <3