Changes!!!

So I'm really gung-ho about making some positive changes in my life right now. First step: I've changed my "About Me" from "Broke ass wino trying to get out of debt" to "Broke ass wino trying to improve my life in every way without the use of money". After my life semi-depressing entry I started to really think about what I wanted and how I could get it. My whole life I've been poor and it's never really bothered me because I'm (usually) a happy, healthy, and thankful person. But there's this idea in modern American culture that the ONLY way to improve ANY part of your life is by spending money. Want to get fit? Better dole out lots of cash on expensive gyms and organic foods. Want to be happy? You need all of the latest gadgets and gizmos and a big fancy house. IT'S CRAZY.

Just because I'm broke (and I mean seriously broke, I have less than a $1 in my bank until payday this Friday) doesn't mean that I can't live the best possible life. I can get fit, I can have happy relationships, I can have a beautiful home. Yes, it would probably be much, much easier if I had money but it's not impossible!

So! What's my plan?
1. Get Fit: I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to lose weight/get fit. How can I do this without money?? The two main parts of fitness are diet and exercise. I joined a gym years ago and the $30 bucks it costs me a month completely works in my budget. BUT it's also possible to workout with out a gym. The internet is amazing. Go to Youtube and find exercise clips, go to a free park and do lunges and situps. Run around the local high school football field. Honestly, the only reason I even joined a gym is because running outside in the Texas heat can cause some serious damage to a girl as pale as I am.

There's this idea that eating healthy has to cost a pretty penny. You know what makes grocery shopping cost  a lot?? Poor meal planning. Right now it's summer and fruits are incredible cheap. Last time I went grocery shopping I got a whole seedless watermelon, nectarines, beans, quinoa, and a few other items for less then $20 bucks. Shop the bulk food and whole food sections. A bag of beans costs $1 and makes 4 times as much as 1 can of pre made black beans. It also has less sodium. Right now I'm chowing down on 1 cup cooked quinoa and 1 cup cooked black beans all for about 442 calories.

Now, the hard part about dieting and getting fit is you have to find what works for YOU. I've mentioned before I really love The Token Fat Girl and she posted today about how, for her, counting calories is a waste and leads to counter productive eating. For me, I need to count calories because I can become SO consumed by my competitive nature and try to eat less and less that I end up GAINING weight because my body isn't getting what it needs. It seems odd that in order to lose weight you have to eat more sometimes but it's true. If you're body is working out too much and not getting the right nutrition your metabolism is going to shut down. I have a handy (and FREE!) app on my iPhone that helps me keep tabs. It's insane that I can snack all day and then when I check my calories I'm still a few hundred away from my goal.

2. Get out of Debt: This one is hardy and will take the longest. Right now I'm in a rough spot. Life has been doling out the usual stuff (dead car battery, dentist, bad tire, etc) and, like I said above, I have $1 left in my account. I'm just really thankful that my apartment is taking their sweet time to cash my rent check so hopefully I can make it until Friday. But by the end of this year I'm hoping that I'll be in a much better spot: paying less in rent and paying more towards my loan. This loan isn't going to go away over night and with the interest rates the first few years are going to be the hardest but I know that I can pay it off.

3. Be Happy: This one is pretty ridiculous but I don't see any reason why I can's live an awesome and fun life  just because I'm broke. My situation is a little different because my boyfriend has money so I still get to do fun things because he can pay but even if he wasn't around I think it's entirely possible to be poor and happy. I'm lucky that I live in Austin that has so many fun and free things. Free movies in the park, gorgeous rivers and green belts open to the public, opportunities to volunteer to help others, the list goes on and on. Yes, I'd probably be REALLY happy if I had millions of dollars and could pay off all of my debts and travel the world but I don't NEED money to be happy.

ALSO:
I just finished two really amazing books that I want to recommend. I mentioned that I joined a library a few months ago and they've started to offer eBooks to rent. Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton and Never Look Away by Linwood Barclay. Plus this helps me reach my goal of two books a month! I figure, those two books can take care of June and sometime tonight I'll see about downloading two new books for July. 

Despair?

I'm not sure what is going on with me but I've been really bummed out lately. More than bummed out. I'm not sure I would call it depression because I've never really experienced anything like this. I've been trying all week to put it into words and I've been struggling to pin point what has gotten me to this place. I guess it's a few things so I'm hoping by putting it down in writing I can get a firm grasp of this situation and change it.

First of all things with my boyfriend are kind of blah. I'm not sure when it happened and I can't really figure out if one of us is to "blame" but something has changed (or maybe nothing has changed and this depression is making me think that something has changed). When we first got together he was such a positive force in my life and I was so proud and happy. Now it feels that he's gotten super comfortable and doesn't even try anymore. We've been dating less than 4 months. Granted, I've only been in two long term relationships before but this seems a bit early to get comfortable. Again, I can't describe the feeling but I feel distance between us. I don't feel happy anymore.

THEN, there's my overwhelming debt. I feel trapped and burden by this enormous thing that I can't control or fix. I feel so sad that this is my life. There's been a lot of recent studies about how negatively social networking is affecting how people feel and I completely understand. When I log on to Facebook and I see people I knew in high school and they're married, having babies, and living in houses I feel so ashamed and sad that I'm not at that point (I honestly don't care about marriage and babies but I want a house more than anything). This wasn't supposed to be my life. I had potential. Now, I'm 26 and living alone in single bedroom apartment and I can't afford to get my hair cut. Most of my friends had family that paid for their college so no one really understands what I'm going through. I have no extra money, I'm worried all of the time and I feel so beyond pathetic. And honestly I don't see that changing.

I read some article today about a man who managed to pay off his $90,000 college debt in 7 months. I was so excited thinking that there was something I could do to get rid of this debt only to find out the guy paid off his debt with his six figure salary and sneaking flasks into bars. AWESOME. I can sneak flasks into bars till the fucking cows come home and it won't change the fact that this guy did what he did because he makes 3 times my gross annual salary.

I really hit bottom yesterday when I received a notice from my insurance saying they're not going to cover most of my dental work and the portion that I need to cover is $1200. I bawled my eyes out. It's such a stupid thing to cry over but I think it was just my breaking point. After a good 12 hour cry and How I Met Your Mother marathon I started to feel better (plus, talking with a co-worker who gave great insurance appeal advice). After taking some time to really examine my life and my heart I've come to a few conclusions:

I cannot count on my boyfriend (or anyone, for that matter) to help me
I don't mean this in a depressing, "everyone dies alone" super dramatic way. I just have to release and recognize that the only person who can change my life is me. I can't waste my time hoping for some magical solution to bring itself to me and fix all of my problems. If I'm not happy being this broke or living this way I'm the one responsible for fixing it.

My worth isn't what I own or where I live
Facebook and Pinterest are dangerous, evil places. That article I mentioned above talked about when it comes to social networking people create their own "brand" (like companies marketing a product). No one goes on to Facebook to advertise what a fuck up they are or how they gained weight or lost a job or whatever. People go on to Facebook to post vacation photos and celebrity encounters. People only share the good times, not the bad and that's not reality. I have to spend less time on social media for my own mental health and happiness and I have to remind myself that most people are only "advertising" the good times, not the bad and for the most part everyone struggles with some aspect of life.

I need to maintain perspective
I've mentioned before that when sad times hit I usually give myself a day to deal with how sad/depressed I feel. I throw a mean pity party. There's drinking, excessive crying, blaming God, and lots of couch time. It's great but it's not a party I want to go to often. So, while I think it's healthy to work through emotions I don't want to dwell on them. This is where perspective comes in. If, after my one day pity party extravaganza, I keep dwelling I must remind myself how lucky I truly am. In the past week one of the stories catching the attention of the nation is about a beautiful, young woman who cut herself while zip-lining and got infected with a flesh eating bacteria. While doctors think she may live they have had to amputate one entire leg, her remaining foot, and at least one of her hands (not to mention soft tissue on her abdomen). Whenever my mind tries to drift back to that "woe is me" place I imagine sitting down with this 24 year old woman and trying to explain to her how hard my life is. The ridiculousness of it snaps me right back to normal thought. Yes, I have debt. Yes, I have HUGE debt but I didn't get most of my body cut off. Heck, worse stuff happens to people everyday than debt.

I can't wait on fate
I keep waiting for someone or something to change my life. While I do believe we all have a destiny I think sometimes I use "fate" as a crutch so I don't have to make decisions. My anxiety stems from the overwhelming fear that I'm making the wrong decision. I've messed up in the past and now I feel terrified that I'll once again fuck something up. But I can't live that way. I have to take control of my own life even if it's scary.

I'm honestly not sure what I'm going to do. I have a few ideas but they're big and scary life changing ones. I just know that I'm not happy right now and I want to change that . I want to be free of this debt, I want to one day own a house, I want to be happy.